15.2.2018

The humming noise I can hear from my bed, and is it the same one that she can hear from her bed down the road? Another day of boundaries crossed and denied and while someone says they want something, and think they are getting close to it, suddenly they fuck it up. Sabotage. Self sabotage? Life sabotage? When do you sabotage yourself?Actually misunderstanding what you really want and doing what you want instead of what you think you want. I’m not even getting paid for this shit. Do you believe what you hear or what you see? What you are told, or what you witness? Right now, in this case, I am blind as a mole digging little holes all over in search of the juiciest slugs and worms, and not great at hearing either. How the hell does one little mole remember that it has been repeatedly betrayed and not to engage, hold the boundary, for everyones safety. Sanity. That’s how to remember. Ah ha. When I feel like I’m going insane, that’s when the boundary has been crossed, and everything stops and reverts back to the last boundary that was proven to be safe. Or just let it all go. Things would make more sense with context but some (people’s/my) drama isn’t about the episode, but the plot. The plot is much like a skipping CD, scratched and repetitive. So I’ve managed 2 x 40 minute writing sessions and now I’ve started this writing without a timer and it does feel helpful/therapeutic overall though I’m ashamed to say the idea that people might read it is totally putting limits on how I’m communicating, and my decision is to keep writing and see what develops. I may not have to say too much about me though I’m tempted because ultimately this is about trust. We are all here to gain trust so we can make the change we want to see in the world. Someone else said that and it stuck with me. Honesty is always the best policy. But saying too much is also not helpful. Honesty also depends on you actually knowing what your truth is… Or me knowing what mine is.  This is where I’m at in life. We don’t judge people where they’re at right? Just on how they behave towards us. In case I need any more judgement fodder here’s some more. I’m still reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes Women that Run with Wolves and the Bluebeard story meant a lot. A lot a lot. The serial killer has murdered many wives and gives his new wife the keys to the castle including the smallest key to the room he has forbidden her to enter, while he goes away on a trip. Inevitably, she invites her sisters over, enters the room, sees the murdered carcasses and blood of his previous wives, the magical key begins to bleed and bleed through her cleaning of it and through the folds of her dress where she hides it, so when old Blue returns, he knows, and becomes murderous. Luckily her sisters and brothers save her by killing him. The End. The main message is, your family will quickly (almost abruptly) save you from your external or internal Bluebeard, though only if you communicate with them. And only if you invite them over for parties. Isolation is the stone cold killer on this side of the screen, as per this weeks tarot a feature of which was the Eight Swords. Fookin’ ‘ell I just got a blast of this pinterest page on ‘tarot’ – make money from hipster witches much?! Humans on technology is the ultimate capitalist relationship. Where’s my blindfold.